"I live, I love, I slay, . . . I am content": the love song of Conan the Barbarian

Let us slay then, you and I,

I stab,

I glower,

I twirl about.

I maintain a high grunt per scene ratio.

I casually roll boulders down a hill

To free a colony full of buxom slaves.

I strut,

I say "Yargh,"

I steal.

I gaze soulfully

At my loyal African sidekick

(A Zamoran pirate)

Named Artus (Nonso Anozie).

When he asks if he can help me with my vengeance,

I turn to look into the sunset,

And say "This is something I must do alone."

I fight high-jumping CGI sand warriors

Summoned by the evil incestuous Marique (Rose McGowan),

The witchy daughter of Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang),

Who killed my dad.

I am brutal, bleak, recherche, and secretly quite sensitive.

I lie upon the rocks of Kohn Kolba and sunbathe my oiled buff chest.

I rarely wear a shirt.

I say to my nemesis, "I want your head"

And do not mention the Governator.

I avenge my father's death at the hands of the evil Shadowlord

Because I was born in battle,

A babe raised on mother's blood (not milk),

Sprung by my father's sword C-section in the midst of flames and fighting.

I seek protein milkshakes in the deserts of Hyberia.

I do what I can to stop

The meddlesome encroaching reign

Of supernatural evil,

So when I thirst, I thirst for blood.

When my sidekick asks me

If Khalar Zym has Godlike power

Now that he has the mask of Acheron

And "eyes red as fire,"

I turn and stare soulfully

At the distant skull cliff

(Lifted from King Kong)

And say "He is just a man," and then walk on alone . . .

I must save the pureblood nun Tamara (Rachel Nichols)

From being crucified upon a circular rock of stone.

As the great CGI columns of Khon Kolba

Crumble around us.

If I feel cold,

It is the cold edge of steel in oceans of blood.

As I fend off the mighty tentacles of Zognar

In the dungeon of Argalon,

My loyal sidekick says,

"This is madness.

She must be very beautiful."

Still, if Tamara gets quarrelsome,

I do not suffer from male insecurities with women;

I tie her to a rock.

I am uncomplicated.

I have the simplicity

And charm of a barbarian,

But if you defy me,

I will lop off your nose;

And if I find you again,

Many years later,

I will stick my finger

Where your nose used to be

To get information.

I must beware of Marique's twisted guile,

Her metal claws and Gothic red tattoos.

Still . . . I must go alone.

My sidekick Artus is visibly moved

And says "May you find what you seek,"

I boldly walk upon the moody shores of Shapir at dusk,

Sword in hand.

I am Conan of Cimmeria, I am content.

Somebody's got to do the slaying.